Whichever way you look at it, whatever you might learn at school, at college or at Church, life is all about one thing – sex. The survival of the species depends on it. The law of nature dictates you’ve got to find a partner and get breeding. The law of the jungle dictates that the better the partner you find the more likely you are to survive. Any date, any day, is a proposal to have sex at some time in the future.
If you don’t think it’s all about sex – you’re wrong. Spend an hour in front of the TV on a Saturday night watching Take Me Out and you’ll see what we mean. This wannabe shag-fest of a programme is one of our favourites. Whether we’re talking ‘let the cauli see the flower’ or ‘let the hotty see the totty’ the intentions are plain. This is not about romance, it’s all about the Fernandos fast-track to fornication – or not as the case may be.
When it comes to lust and love, or more importantly infatuation and the sort of feeling that makes you go all wibbly inside and turns your loins to jelly, it’s all about something called pheromones. That means it’s also all about kissing. Whilst your tongue is playing tonsil hockey your nose is seeking out the chemical vibes given off by skin. There’s nothing like a snog to suss out those hidden sexual signals.
From Mother Nature’s point of view pheromones are chemicals excreted by the body to drive a social response in members of the same species. They are amazingly powerful things. In particular they give signals about sexual availability and compatibility. This is totally the non-visual side to attraction that Take Me Out contestants lack. Forget the visual clues and whether the girl/guy looks hot, if the unseen smells don’t go together the date is doomed. In effect it’s a lot more Fernandon’t that Fernando.
So on one hand Take Me Out is about the law of nature - you’ve got to get that date in the first place. Then, when you get to the Isle of Fernando’s, the law of the jungle kicks in. How good do you smell together? The fact is it needs to be mutual. But when the chemistry is really good the fireworks start to go off.
So, if you’ve got the sniff of a hot date this Valentine’s then good luck. Book the early sitting for dinner. If nature’s natural sniffing session is yet to happen don’t keep your distance – get up close and personal, close your eyes, breathe deep and trust to your instincts. Good luck, who nose what might happen!
Thinking about it Valentine’s might be the one night of the year that sex takes a back seat in favour of romance, if only for a few hours. Be honest, half a bottle of champagne, a prawn biryani and a couple of poppadom, and chances are that by midnight the rear seat of the hatchback will be hotter than a Tandori oven.
The fact so many Take Me Out dates end in disaster is the perfect lesson in how we pick our sexual partners. Take Me Out is all about looks. In contrast real lust and love is about smell. And we’re not talking Kate Moss, Lancôme and Chanel. Or Giorgio, Gucci and Lacoste. This is about being so up close and so personal your nose smells things you don’t even know you’re smelling.
Of course no matter how exciting the smells there is another law that kicks in. The law of the land says you mustn’t start doing anything about it until you’re 16. Although actually that’s just the UK – elsewhere the age for a girl to consent to sex with a man varies. In Spain and Japan you can do it at 13, in Germany, Hungary and Estonia and a whole heap of other European countries it’s 14. Yet the UK has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Western Europe. We don’t want to take the romance out of it but that’s something to think about.